The ask: the background music of hiving off

A striking circle of ten from the BW Hive List got together last night for a late-night brainstorm about the future development of Circle of Hope Broad and Washington. It was stimulating.

While we were discussing great things, there was a little emotional tune playing in the background. It was almost like a minor-keyed theme in a mystery movie that lets you know something scary is going to happen, a note of fear. Growing a church to hiving size means making new relationships, which most of us like, but making new relationships includes something most of us don’t like: the ask. The tune kept building to the point when all the ideas would come down to the ask.

My mother liked taking me shopping for groceries as child. For one thing, my mother was so extraverted she didn’t like to do anything alone and I was available. But I think the main thing was that I was rather entertaining as I interacted with the various people we would meet in the aisles. I would ask people about themselves, their clothes, their groceries. And if they wouldn’t talk to me, I would ask my mother about them. My mother found this boundary-breaking amusing. The downside was that I would also ask for every single thing on the shelves that looked mildly interesting or tasty. So very early on, I had a lot of experience with the word NO. I was buying snacks yesterday for the PM, so I know that the tragedy of being told no is still very real for the under-six set. A young boy was lying in the aisle screaming under the watch of a bemused dad because Skittles were not on their list.

I was relatively oblivious to being told NO as a child. I just kept on expressing my hope for Skittles until I got a yes. If I got one yes out of a hundred NOs, that kept me going. But as I got older and understood that NO often had more meaning than whether I was going to get a piece of candy, I got a LOT more reticent. I began to feel rejected by NO. One hundred NOs of rejection were not made up for by a single yes. I began to feel generally rejected and didn’t want to ask at all, lest I get rejected. The scary tune of the ask became background music in my brain.

Having intimates who lived a general yes to me did not necessarily make up for the times they dared to say NO to me. Even having a God who Paul could say this about didn’t solve all my problems:

For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by us—by me and Silas and Timothy—was not “Yes” and “No,” but in him it has always been “Yes.”  For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:19-20

Even God did not consistently convince me that being rejected, being an imposition, or being unwanted was less important than being free to be myself, being confident that I am safe no matter what, and living in a state of grace that is “yes” to me. I still was nervous about asking.

This nervousness about just asking makes church planting hard. Even if one is not aggressive about getting someone to come to an event and you just want to tell your story, you’re still asking someone to listen. Church planting is all about the asking. You have to experience a LOT of NOs to get a yes.

I was telling the circle of hive-interested people last night that when I was being an evangelistic fanatic in college, I had days when I vowed to ask everyone I met to come to our new Bible study in our side-by-side apartments. That meant I would be asking all sorts of people I was sure would say NO, unless a miracle happened. Many did say NO. But a surprising number didn’t and an even more surprising number became new disciples of Jesus.

Its been more than a few years since I was in college. Since then advertisers have become so oppressive (i.e., AT&T Station is a travesty!) that anyone with love in their heart feels like they should not add to the asking. That’s just a general, devilish thing that has happened to us to make us keep quiet. No one even gets to hear the yes we have for them because we are all too busy telling AT&T NO for the millionth time, like some five-year-old in the store who never learns. It is tiring. We don’t want to add to the asking, even if we are asking in the name of Jesus! Someone might think we are merely marketing!

But even more so, it is hard to ask because we don’t like getting rejected. Asking in the name of Jesus is more like asking, “Do you want to make love?” than it is asking, “Do you want to buy a box of Girl Scout cookies?” (Samoas are still the best). Works of faith are intrinsically intimate. They are in the love zone.  If we ever hive off Broad and Washington, it will be because a substantial number of people trust the YES in Jesus enough to bear the nos of people who aren’t ready yet or, for whatever reason, don’t want them and Jesus now. Like perpetual askers at a middle school dance, we’ll get up and cross over to a person who has a lot of power over our emotions and ask them to dance. There’s no hiding it; we’re asking because we like them. We love them, already, even before we find out what their response will be. We can get hurt if they reject us. We aren’t selling a mere product. Our love for Jesus and them is intrinsic to the “product” if we are “selling” at all. So asking is no small thing. The music of the fear of no could drown out the dance music!

It is no wonder that we sometimes hate to ask. It could hurt. But if we don’t ask, it could hurt even more. It will certainly hurt our chances of multiplying if we won’t do it. I am going to keep meditating on that YES I can count on from God in Jesus.

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About Rod White

Pastor for Circle of Hope. Graduate of Fuller Seminary, PhD in MFT from Eastern University.
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6 Responses to The ask: the background music of hiving off

  1. Pingback: The ABCs of the E Word — Ask | Rod's Blog

  2. Adam says:

    It is not the “no” that scares me. It is the “yes” that turns out to be “maybe” and finally “no”, but only after that person has taken something from you/us.

  3. Howard says:

    I’m thankful for this because it has forced me to stop rationalizing and admit that I am afraid to ask! God is working through it though and giving me more courage than I think. Sometimes we can really surprise ourselves. God will certainly surprise us.

  4. Raleigh says:

    Thanks for sharing, Rod

    I get hung up on the timing of asking. I feel that my timing has to be absolutely perfect so that I won’t scare the person away before they are ready. I become obsessed with this, and it leads me nowhere. I usually end up asking after my window of opportunity which doesn’t work either. I think we have to understand that its not asking is not something we can come up with a scientific theory for, which is what I’m used to doing. I need to involve more prayer, trust in God, and confidence.

  5. Jonathan Ziegler says:

    Thanks for this. Its probably no coincidence that I’ve been thinking and talking about this in the past few weeks. I’m learning a lot about my own issues with asking, and you explained a lot of what I’m thinking.

  6. Art says:

    I’m encouraged that the 10 met. Thanks for this: “Church planting is all about the asking. You have to experience a LOT of NOs to get a yes.”

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